Due to reasons beyond our control, this pamphlet may have come in contact with machinery that is used in the manufacture of peanut-based products. If you have a peanut allergy, please refrain from touching this pamphlet.
This informative pamphlet contains information that is the product of years of government research. If you have a peanut allergy, or know someone that does, please read this pamphlet.
What is a peanut allergy?
If you have a peanut allergy, you tend to go a bit wonky if you have peanuts. This wonkiness can lead to permenant disability or death. Some people are allergic to pollen or latex. A peanut allergy is similar, except peanuts are not microscopic particles. Peanuts are also not rubber. If you have a peanut allergy, this does not imply an allergy to pollen or latex. Consult your physician for some reason.
What causes a peanut allergy?
Through constant research, the causes of peanut allergies are slowly being revealed. Here are some possible scenarios:
- Early exposure to peanuts and heroin.
- Sympathizing with the terrorists.
- Being a pansy.
- Eating peanuts.
- Not eating peanuts.
What do I do if I have a peanut allergy?
There are some very simple guidelines if you have a peanut allergy. Following these guidelines can help you live a long and possibly fulfilling life.
Don't become an elephant
Elephants love peanuts. Anyone that has watched Saturday morning cartoons can tell you that. However, there is a growing trend in this country for people to have reconstructive surgery to turn them into elephants. If you have a peanut allergy, this should be considered before becoming an elephant.
Peanuts come in different shapes and sizes, from the funny little one-nut runt to the elusive triple nutter. Being able to distinguish peanuts from non-peanuts is an important skill. You might think that avoiding things with shells is a safe bet, but then you're avoiding turtles, the sea, and UNIX. You might think that avoiding all nuts will help, but I think you know where that's going. A good rule is that if it looks like a peanut, sounds like a peanut, and causes anaphylactic shock like a peanut, it's probably a peanut.
Read food labels
Food manufacturers are required to put on their labels any information about possible contact with peanuts. Be sure to read the labels and look for the word "peanut". If you see that word, throw the bag as if it were a grenade, shouting "PEANUT IN THE HOLE!" This will help rid you of any possible side effects of this momentary peanut contact.
Don't fucking eat peanuts
Seriously. Just don't eat peanuts. That's dumb.
Conclusion
It is possible to live a complete life with a peanut allergy. Avoiding peanut foods is a key activity to your survival. Peanuts clothes are not yet mainstream, and as long as George Washington Carver remains dead, we won't have any more advances in peanut technology. And we opened his grave, broke his legs, and put them in a cross on his chest, and zombie rules state that the undead cannot move about when this is done. Your government is hard at work to protect you, you mutant freak, from peanuts.