Apples are bad. Don't eat them. You know why? I'll tell you...
Apples are made from the brains of the Xrylavian mountain monkeys. Everyone knows that these animals are not only endangered, but the brains are a known carcinogen. These brains get processed into small, fruitlike items and distributed to our planet by way of a secret interstellar "highway" developed by our government to encourage trade between planets.
In 1974, creatures from a distant planet contacted several world leaders and told them about their hardship. Apparently their local economy was suffering due to poor trade, though the resources were abundant. The United States agreed to fund the highway to help stabalize the alien economy and, in return, gain valuable resources, like paper clips and phlogiston. But now the aliens have turned against us and are POISONING OUR MINDS WITH MICROWAVE RADIATION!!!! They are trying to take over our world so that they can be the ping pong champions of the universe! We must strike first!
My plan is to fire our enegery weapons first (you know we got 'em) and then James Ensor and Elvis will lead a personnel assault on the main front. Meanwhile, the pope will shed his fake skin and reveal the warbot that he really is and crush the enemy with evil laser eyes and cheese grenades. The enemy will be crippled, but not beaten. Our last attack should be cunning and clever. Robert Frost poems will be written on bar napkins and sewn into undergarments for an elephant, which will parade around their planet while "John Ryan's Polka" is played over and over again on the banjo. This will drive the enemy to insanity and they will have no choice but to surrender.