Ron's Brain

The Hard Sell

Good afternoon, ma'am. I'm conducting a survey in your neighborhood concerning furniture. I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time. Yes? Wonderful!

Let's see, you have a sofa, a love seat, a recliner, hmmm... no coffee table I see, eh? Yes, I noticed that there may not be quite enough room for it, but wouldn't it be nice? Well, what if I told you that I can get you a piece of furniture that is not only a coffee table, but is also an ottoman, an end table, a Deacon's bench, and even a spare bed for those random guests that you love to have over? Would you be interested?

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. I do have an amazing offer that can literally eliminate all of your current and, sorry to say, outdated furniture. For mere pennies a day you can live in comfort and style, while enjoying the space you really do deserve. But I guess this furniture isn't made for everyone. It's really a more modern piece and doesn't quite belong here.

Well, ma'am, I'm not sure if I should show you, but if you insist, I'll go get the demo piece out of my van and set it up for you. I'll be right back.

Well, ma'am, here it is. The all-in-one furniture miracle I was telling you about. See how its sleek design allows for multiple functions while simultaneously providing an aesthetic quality that is unmatched by any piece you see in those fancy furniture stores? Convenient, easy-to-manage, and versitile, all for just a few dollars a day. Would you like to give it a try?

What's that? Well, yes, it is an alligator. But think of the possibilities! You would be the envy of your friends with this piece. Any coffee table book would look great resting on this fine reptile. Or, imagine kicking your feet up on this baby after a hard day. Think of your guests surprise and excitement when you tell them you'll be making their bed and pull this out. What a wonderful piece indeed!

Pardon? Well, yes, it does smell a little swampy, but I would clean it up before I actually installed it. After that and a few coats of Pledge, you won't even notice it. Easy to clean, too, I might add. Practically takes care of itself.

No, no, you needn't worry about your cat. Declawed or otherwise, there is no way she'll be able to make a scratch on it. It's American crafted and produced, so you know you'll be getting a quality piece of furniture for around ten dollars a day. Where is the little kitty? Here kitty! C'mere whiskers! Kitty kit... ah there you are. Come say hello to your new furniture! That's it! See how its design provides superior pet proofing and the reinforced...

Oh. Oh, ma'am, I'm sorry about that. Certainly I've never seen it do that before. Well, I'm sure it was quick and painless for poor, what was the cat's name again? Yes, poor Pouncer. Well, I can assure you that this type of thing is very rare and my company is willing to fully compensate you for your loss. I do apologize. But, the durability is evident, isn't it?

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself "My kids always jump on the furniture and make a wreck of it." Well, are the little tykes home? Yes, I suppose they would still be in school right now. Let me demonstrate the strength of this unit. See as I jump up and down how it doesn't even show the slightest bit of stress? Yes, this made-in-America piece meets several quality standa- AAH! OH GOD MY LEG! AH! Ah, uh, no ma'am, I'm alright. It's a unique safety feature. It sensed that I was about to (oh Jesus!) fall off and it caught me, prevent any serious inj... uh.... what was I saying? I'm getting a little light headed here. Could you get me a glass of water?

Well, gee, that's a mighty fine looking shotgun you have there. Wait, that's not quite necessary. You realize I'll have to charge you if you damage the piece! Why dont we - HOLY CRAP that was loud! Well, let me get you an invoice. Now, the thing is dead so there's no need to keep the gun out. And let's not point it at me, huh?

Oh. Oh, I see. Well, I'll just mail you the invoice later. Let me collect my things and my leg and I'll be off. I'm sorry I couldn't interest you in this one-of-a-kind piece. I guess you're just not modern enough to own it. If you change your mind, though, here's my card. Have a great day, ma'am.

(She'll call. They always do.)


Tagged as fiction, short story, humor